Thursday, August 20, 2009

An Evening with Osama

Osama (of the Bin Laden variety) was spied on the busy Commercial Street in Bangalore last Saturday. He would have ideally escaped attention given the mask he was sporting like everyone else, thanks to the Swine Flu hype. But when he removed his mask to bite into a juicy kebab, he was invariably recognized. Mahavir Sanvi , the famous talk show host who happened to be there invited him to the studio for a quick chat.

Over to MS...

MS : So Osama thanks for agreeing to be on our show and a special thanks for agreeing not to burn the port wine magnolia bush at the entrance of our studio, it cost us quite a tidy sum, in fact it’s more than what my producer pays me.

OBL: Salaam and sorry I know I got a little carried away. You see, I always get agitated with anything to do with bush. But since I had already completed my daily quota of bush burning, I was inclined to let this one go.

MS: Thanks ever so much for that .Now to our interview, the question on everybody’s mind is what made you go for the twin towers.

OBL: Well, it’s a long story. You see, as a child I travelled a lot by American Airlines. But these foolish people kept goofing up my meals, not allowing me extra baggage, not even my favourite kabuli chanas and then they made this huge fuss about me getting 2 lion cubs with me. It was not that I was being troublesome; I even offered to check them in with the rest of my luggage. But the lady just shrieked and kept screaming ‘twin terror ‘! Much ado about nothing really! I guess that’s how my hatred for anything ‘twin’ and ‘American’ began. The moment I saw those two towers, I knew I would get my revenge.

MS: Osama, you are the most hunted man on earth, how do you mange to hide yourself?

OBL: Well, I have to thank Bollywood for that. You see these Hindi directors are so fixated with featuring Osama in their movies; I always get to act my real self in at least half a dozen movies every year. Of course these guys don’t know they are hiring the real thing. In fact, I am in negotiation with a certain south director to make a movie with me in the lead. That’s one of the reasons I am in Bangalore. Of course, financing will not be a problem as we just got paid for a large ammunition consignment we delivered to a nefarious gang in Pakistan.

MS: But would someone make a movie on Osama?

OBL: If they can make one on Dawood Ibrahim why not me? I personally believe I have accomplished much more than him. My work speaks for myself.

MS: Let’s talk about your future plans. What do you plan to do next?

OBL : A lot really, apart from the movie, I also plan to write a book. In fact all this abducting of journalists that you keep hearing about is just a step in that direction. Since I am too busy to do my own writing, I am outsourcing them to these professionals.

Professionally too, it’s been a while since I did something. The job is not challenging anymore.
But I have some plans and I don’t mind revealing that I have my eye on something starting with ‘R’ in India

MS: (gasping in horror): Oh My god! You don’t mean the Rashtrapati Bhavan, do you ?

OBL: Oh no no ... (Blushing) I meant Rakhi Sawant !
Copyright (C) Neha Shinde 2009

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Jackson Connection


The untimely death of the King of Pop brought varied reactions from various people of various shapes , sizes and colours. While Usher crooned, Paris cried, Brooke eulogized, Debbie squabbled over the kids and the rest of the world jammed Google with their Jackson searches, I had my own interesting experience on this. Something I am not really proud of, but then what the heck!

Here’s an excerpt of the conversation of my discovery of the star’s death:-

June 26th 2009 : Having quit my earlier firm a day before, I am relaxing and trying to unwind before I take up the baton again, when I get an sms from my colleague, Abraham in the morning saying " Jackson died, I am depressed” .I immediately rack my memory for any uncle, brother , friend, nephew ,cousin with a name Jackson that Abraham might have mentioned in our earlier conversations . Failing to recollect any such person, I tentatively dial his number to offer my condolences.

Me: Hey, hi I am really sorry about this.
Abraham: (In a choked voice): Yeah, this is not fair , why him ? So young!
Me: (Still furiously thinking) Yes, I know life is not fair. But it’s said whom the gods love die young
Abraham: (all weepy now) He sure did . I am so miserable..

All this while I am at my wit’s end trying to figure out if this was his favourite cousin ,Jack or his friend ,Jackie , after all both could be a short form for Jackson.

Me: So, aammm were you very close?
Abraham : huh ?
Me: (Now, convinced this is the cousin we are talking about) I mean you were related to him from your father’s side or mother’s side ?
Abraham: What , who me, no ..I am talking about MICHAEL JACKSON you idiot . He died yesterday!

The shade I blushed into would have put a ripe tomato to shame!

Me: (stammering) : Oh, the singer ? He died?
Abraham: (almost screaming) It’s splashed all over the place. Don’t you read the papers? Where do you live ? in a cave?
Me (Indignantly) I am on vacation!
Abraham: ( Hysterical now) You must be the only one on the planet , who doesn’t know...

And He hung up, probably to give a full vent to his grief of having to deal with someone like me and of losing his idol.

Well, * sigh *you live you learn! Here's farewell to a superstar who changed the face of music! Goodbye MJ!

Copyright (C) Neha Shinde 2009