Thursday, August 20, 2009

An Evening with Osama

Osama (of the Bin Laden variety) was spied on the busy Commercial Street in Bangalore last Saturday. He would have ideally escaped attention given the mask he was sporting like everyone else, thanks to the Swine Flu hype. But when he removed his mask to bite into a juicy kebab, he was invariably recognized. Mahavir Sanvi , the famous talk show host who happened to be there invited him to the studio for a quick chat.

Over to MS...

MS : So Osama thanks for agreeing to be on our show and a special thanks for agreeing not to burn the port wine magnolia bush at the entrance of our studio, it cost us quite a tidy sum, in fact it’s more than what my producer pays me.

OBL: Salaam and sorry I know I got a little carried away. You see, I always get agitated with anything to do with bush. But since I had already completed my daily quota of bush burning, I was inclined to let this one go.

MS: Thanks ever so much for that .Now to our interview, the question on everybody’s mind is what made you go for the twin towers.

OBL: Well, it’s a long story. You see, as a child I travelled a lot by American Airlines. But these foolish people kept goofing up my meals, not allowing me extra baggage, not even my favourite kabuli chanas and then they made this huge fuss about me getting 2 lion cubs with me. It was not that I was being troublesome; I even offered to check them in with the rest of my luggage. But the lady just shrieked and kept screaming ‘twin terror ‘! Much ado about nothing really! I guess that’s how my hatred for anything ‘twin’ and ‘American’ began. The moment I saw those two towers, I knew I would get my revenge.

MS: Osama, you are the most hunted man on earth, how do you mange to hide yourself?

OBL: Well, I have to thank Bollywood for that. You see these Hindi directors are so fixated with featuring Osama in their movies; I always get to act my real self in at least half a dozen movies every year. Of course these guys don’t know they are hiring the real thing. In fact, I am in negotiation with a certain south director to make a movie with me in the lead. That’s one of the reasons I am in Bangalore. Of course, financing will not be a problem as we just got paid for a large ammunition consignment we delivered to a nefarious gang in Pakistan.

MS: But would someone make a movie on Osama?

OBL: If they can make one on Dawood Ibrahim why not me? I personally believe I have accomplished much more than him. My work speaks for myself.

MS: Let’s talk about your future plans. What do you plan to do next?

OBL : A lot really, apart from the movie, I also plan to write a book. In fact all this abducting of journalists that you keep hearing about is just a step in that direction. Since I am too busy to do my own writing, I am outsourcing them to these professionals.

Professionally too, it’s been a while since I did something. The job is not challenging anymore.
But I have some plans and I don’t mind revealing that I have my eye on something starting with ‘R’ in India

MS: (gasping in horror): Oh My god! You don’t mean the Rashtrapati Bhavan, do you ?

OBL: Oh no no ... (Blushing) I meant Rakhi Sawant !
Copyright (C) Neha Shinde 2009

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Jackson Connection


The untimely death of the King of Pop brought varied reactions from various people of various shapes , sizes and colours. While Usher crooned, Paris cried, Brooke eulogized, Debbie squabbled over the kids and the rest of the world jammed Google with their Jackson searches, I had my own interesting experience on this. Something I am not really proud of, but then what the heck!

Here’s an excerpt of the conversation of my discovery of the star’s death:-

June 26th 2009 : Having quit my earlier firm a day before, I am relaxing and trying to unwind before I take up the baton again, when I get an sms from my colleague, Abraham in the morning saying " Jackson died, I am depressed” .I immediately rack my memory for any uncle, brother , friend, nephew ,cousin with a name Jackson that Abraham might have mentioned in our earlier conversations . Failing to recollect any such person, I tentatively dial his number to offer my condolences.

Me: Hey, hi I am really sorry about this.
Abraham: (In a choked voice): Yeah, this is not fair , why him ? So young!
Me: (Still furiously thinking) Yes, I know life is not fair. But it’s said whom the gods love die young
Abraham: (all weepy now) He sure did . I am so miserable..

All this while I am at my wit’s end trying to figure out if this was his favourite cousin ,Jack or his friend ,Jackie , after all both could be a short form for Jackson.

Me: So, aammm were you very close?
Abraham : huh ?
Me: (Now, convinced this is the cousin we are talking about) I mean you were related to him from your father’s side or mother’s side ?
Abraham: What , who me, no ..I am talking about MICHAEL JACKSON you idiot . He died yesterday!

The shade I blushed into would have put a ripe tomato to shame!

Me: (stammering) : Oh, the singer ? He died?
Abraham: (almost screaming) It’s splashed all over the place. Don’t you read the papers? Where do you live ? in a cave?
Me (Indignantly) I am on vacation!
Abraham: ( Hysterical now) You must be the only one on the planet , who doesn’t know...

And He hung up, probably to give a full vent to his grief of having to deal with someone like me and of losing his idol.

Well, * sigh *you live you learn! Here's farewell to a superstar who changed the face of music! Goodbye MJ!

Copyright (C) Neha Shinde 2009

Friday, July 25, 2008

Confessions of an ex sunday school choreo teacher !

It was originally my Pastor’s wife’s idea ......No, not the confession, but the latter part of the subject title.

This was a couple of years ago when I was with a small but Spirit filled church in Pune and she (the pastor’s wife that is), after watching me dance at a church family camp decided that I had the required credentials to teach the Sunday school kids choreography for the upcoming Christmas Program. I, being a novice then, gladly agreed. If I only knew what was coming...... but the Lord being the Wise One that He is, chooses to unfold things in his own way ....

I hate to say it, but I started on the wrong foot (no pun intended !) . After, choreographing a song, I went on to the humongous assignment of selecting the dance participants. Shaving a roaring lion with a rusty razor would have been easier, but finally I zeroed in on a list. Heavens could not have prepared me for what came next. As soon as the list was out , I was ghaeroed by annoyed mothers demanding to know why I had not selected their child. All my pathetic efforts at explaining they were to be put in the drama and the choir and that the dance required only 8 participants fell on deaf ears. Choreo is what they wanted, and choreo is what they will have ! Sigh ! Hell hath no fury like a mommy whose darling is scorned ! Finally we hit upon a brilliant idea of setting up 2 choreos that accommodated everyone’s desire to shake a limb.

With the mommies pacified, I embarked on the task of teaching the choreo steps to the eager and not so eager dancers in the making. The older kids were relatively easy to manage, but the younger ones had me reaching for my panic aids – my bible & my water bottle more than once. Now, I had no idea that a creature that is about 3 feet tall can have the combined energy of a dozen frisky puppies and 6 ponies. Seriously, there ought to be more awareness campaigns on things like these for unsuspecting inexperienced sunday school teachers! They were either running helter-skelter or bickering with one another or doing their own thing without paying the slightest attention to me. One tiny boy in particular used to run across the room flagging his arms like a football player who has scored the winning goal and return back to his original position, which was kind of cute to watch. Pity, he had this urge every 5 minutes. And the rule of co-ordination does not apply to individuals below 7 years. Each one has his predefined timing which he has randomly but firmly established and any attempts to modify this is futile if not highly offensive to that individual.

While, the seniors were moderately tame initially, when it came to the dance costume, everybody had an opinion. And the opinions of 13 & 14 year olds are not to be taken rightly, so I have learnt. After debating and discussing and exploring options from the mundane to the bizarre we finally decided on something that was both manageable as well as attractive. After all “The Look” is supremely important to today’s teenager!

Finally in spite of the million changes and the zillion encumbrances we faced, both the groups were steadily groomed and were eventually ready to perform. And how they performed! My heart swelled with pride and joy as I saw them on stage, dancing for the Lord. It was then I realised, it is such a privilege to be with young minds and to watch them grow spiritually. It’s like being a part of a wonderful transformation process that is much larger than you ever could be.

I have learnt , it’s not just about a choreo, it’s about how you handle these precious people the Lord made you responsible for in a small but significant way and how are you helping them to know Him better.

Yes, during my stint as a choreo teacher , I have been bothered more than once, but when I see a tiny little thing run across the room just to say ‘hellow teacher’ , or when a 13 year old puts her hand around your shoulder and tells you how she has been kind to someone at school, I know I wouldn’t trade this for anything !

And I would like to think that, at the end of a performance, the Lord looks down from heaven smiles and says “Yeah , that was cool . I liked it ! “

Copyright(c) Neha Shinde 2008

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Pondicherry Paradise

It was boredom and a life as dull as dish water that propelled the trip. Yep, boredom of a massive kind coupled with work , business travel and the TRAFFIC of Bangalore .

Yes ! I am talking about the Pondicherry trip!!! Bored with meetings and pressurized with deadlines and deliverables, 5 of my friends & I decided to let our hair down at Tamil Nadu’s greatest asset ( ahem after Rajnikanth of course !). Though it’s a union territory, Pondicherry or Puducherry to the locals is very much a part of Tamil Naidu including the language and culture.
So, we decided on a trip to this ‘heaven on earth’ and set out in a Qualis on a Friday night. The idea was to travel in the night, cover ground and be ready for 2 days of sight seeing. What we did not account for was something as natural as sleep. Anyways, after fidgeting for the 100th time for a comfortable position, we along with the dawn finally arrived in Pondicherry.
We were booked in Auroville, and we landed at the Arubindo Ashram assuming that was the place, but after some clarifications, we realized Auroville is not the same as Aurbindo Ashram and off we went hunting for the bed and breakfast place booked . A couple of us were still struggling to open both eyes ,while some were grumpy about an almost sleepless night.
Anyways, all sleepiness & grumpiness soon disappeared when we reached Auro village- the place is so fresh and beautiful ! It’s a few kilometers away from the main city and is a world of its own. The road leading to the village is paved with thick bushes and trees, with a couple of very European bakeries and eating joints thrown in here and there. True to its word , it is a lovely small village – Auroville.
The place where we stayed was beautiful, with brick red walls and lovely pottery all around the place and amazing freshness! The rooms were clean and reasonably priced , and with a lovely green campus sourounding it , it was more that what we could ask for.
One of the places we visited in Pondicherry and one which is worth seeing is the Aurbindo Ashram. Now, I am not too inclined towards spirituality and might just not expound too much on what is it all about. All I know and what I researched on the internet on the ashram is that, it was founded by Sri Aurobindo who was one of the leaders of the early freedom movement who later turned to development of a new spiritual path called ‘internal yoga’. Not that I am a follower of yoga , but the place does has some sort of mystery surrounding it and is enveloped by silence. A whisper would be like a yoodle in that place- such is the silence prevailing there.
There are quite a few articles on display like a sofa set (which I presume was used by Sri Aurobindo) with life sized portraits of Aurbindo and ‘ The Mother ‘ ( who was Shri Aurbindo’s companion) all across the ashram there are a couple of photos of the couple with impressive names like Jawaharlal Nehru and Indira Gandhi too , with the usual fare of books and triklets. A place you might want to visit out of curiosity even if you don’t favour the spiritual aspect of it.
Then there is the Promenade, which is again a long stretch about 1.5 km along the beach which kind of resembles the Marine Drive of Mumbai. To be very honest there is nothing to see there and you may want to go there just to relax in the evening and watch the sunset. There is a huge statue of Mahatma Gandhi, which is hugely photographed, probable because there is nothing else to snap. When we went, there was some interview of a dancer being conducted by one of the star TV network channels which conjured a lot of excitement. Too bad they didn’t seem interested in a bunch of females ogling at everything in sight .
It would be unfair to this blog if I don’t mention about the streets surrounding Promenade, and that’s when I realize how Pondicherry got its punchline ” Very French. Very Pondicherry” Standing there, it is impossible it distinguish India from France. The street you are standing on could easily be one in Allevard .With its large French windows and French signposts and names. It’s almost like being transported to France minus the flight cost . And we had a ball clicking snaps in all sort of dramatic poses , after all what’s France without a little romance and drama huh ?
But it was a museum, the name of which I don’t quite remember near the Promenade that caught my fancy. I must confess, I am total sucker for museums, art galleries, forts, and palaces and stuff like that and I had a field day checking out things there. There was this huge mirror, so ancient looking and I wondered how many generations of royalty must have preened into it before it came to be admired by the hoi polloi.

There was also an ancient carriage at display with lantern stands and space that could accommodate only two people and as I gazed into it, I could almost visualize an English Memsahib being escorted back home after a bridge party or two Sahibs on their way to a place for business. It’s fascinating how these things of art and history can play with your imagination and give you a fleeting glimpse of the world that once was.
Anyways , coming back to the present , one of the favourite destination of generation next is the Paradise Beach at Auroville . It’s a private beach and is only open to the residents of Auroville. Since we were staying at Auoville, we thought we qualified for it and boy did the gang have fun. I am not really a beach person. If you ask me to choose between beaches and mountains, mountains would be a clear winner. But that was one beach where I did have lotsa fun. We snapped away to glory, and the gang had a rollicking time in the sea. I being the hydrophobic that I am, stayed put on the sand and enjoyed seeing the tiny crab like creatures, squirm back into the sand every time the waves washed them away. I did a lot of shell picking too, knowing very well that these shell would be in the trash can the moment I reach Bangalore. But what the heck, I am in Pondicherry !
But what is sad about places like the Paradise Beach is that these beautiful places are taken for granted and there is so much damage done to them that after a while they cease to be what they once were. For example ,a lovely beach like the Paradise beach is so beautiful on one side but go a little further and you will find human faeces, beer cans , plastic bags and all sort of garbage strewed all across . Even the narrow path that leads to the beach is so dirty. It saddens the heart that a place of wonder becomes a trash can for some. I do hope that there is something done about it. Once can’t afford to waste away a place like Paradise Beach.
Anyways , Now that we were in Pondicherry it was obvious that we could not go without souvenirs for our friends and much to our delight , there was a paper mill right on our way back to the village which made and sold hand made paper . And believe it or not , I have never seen so many beautiful things created out of paper. Apart from the hand made and printed sheets of paper, there were beautiful envelopes, small and big boxes to keep jewellery and what not, folders , pen holders, paper bags, and even paper jewellery. Gosh ! I don’t even remember all that was there but it was real fun checking things out.
With our souvenirs in place we were ready for another day of sight seeing during with we covered a few temples and on our way back we visited Mahaballipuram and its famous cave temples. The cutest thing there was this huge round stone which was labelled "Krishna’s butter ball" cute na …Anyways, the place is great to explore with carvings and all . We also visited Kanchipuram, where I indulged myself and bought a Kanchivaram Silk Sari, not that I am into saris but it seemed like a shame to go all the way to Kanchi and not buy a sari.
With that silk sari shopping our weekend getaway came to an end and we headed back for the hustle and bustle of the city of Bangalore, but feeling blessed for the opportunity to take a peek into a beautiful laid back land .

Friday, May 2, 2008

Tripping Back ! :)

Well, I am back after a long hiatus! Much as I hate saying this , but I did commit the cardinal mistake of sacrificing my blog at the alter of work . But thanks to all you people for your subtle and not-so- subtle reminders about updating my blog - I am back finally!
4 months since I last wrote , the world had been pretty much the same .Indian cricket continues to be a heady mix of glamour and money, Sonia Gandhi continues rebuffing Rahul Gandhi's claim to the PM post, Deepika Padukone continues to be the next IT girl , Hillary & Obama continue with their mud slinging , Sunil Mittal is still the richest man in Britan, Rakhi Saawant continues revelling in controversies, and I still haven't met Johnny Depp !

Personally too ,things have pretty much been static , of course if you discount the crazy pace of work that hijacked my idyllic existence.

But amidst all the chaos of teleconferences, meetings , buckets of coffee and never ending mails that threatened to crash my mailbox, I did find time for a quick trip to Belur -Halebedu .To the unaware Belur is located in the Hassan District and was the early capital of the Hoysala Empire ( remember reading about them in our History books ?! No ? Neither do I! Was never my History teacher's favourite ! ). The Chennakesava temple which was build by king Vishnuvardhana is the main tourist attraction. The place is amazing to say the least. I am a huge sucker for ancient and historical buildings and things and this temple was a huge delight. The dancing stone figurines are an example of artistic fineness and the attention to details is simply mind boggling.

Inside the main temple complex, there is a stone statue of Queen Mohini, who apparently was the most beautiful of all the queens of the King Vishnu. Her face , they say was exactly one seventh her body , which in olden days was a sign of a good physique. Needless to say , Mohini ji also attracted some modern day male followers both Bharti & Firangi, who just did not want to leave the place. Sigh ! Some women have all the fun !

The temple in Halebedu is also a treat to watch and we tripsters had a field day posing away to glory, check my videos to see some of the exploits. There is a small lake adjacent to the temple , where boat rides are given for a small fee that will take you past a small island where you can see some birds.
All in all t’was a great break from the hectic city life and in case I have inspired some of you to grab your rucksack and head towards Belur , here are few useful tips :
  • You might want to hire a guide once there , otherwise you will find it hard to understand the story and meaning behind the statues.
  • Make sure you leave early , so that you reach the first temple mid morning when the sun is not so hot
  • The sun is blazing after mid morning , so sun glares and hats are recommended and ladies don't forget your sun screen lotion , you'll sure need it.
  • Make sure you take the boat ride in Halebedu, its a lovely & calming end to the whole experience.

So there you go, my first post after months and I already gave you a place to add to your travel list. I am kind ..Ain't I ! :)

Friday, December 7, 2007

Christmas Reminiscences


I love Christmas ! That’s the busiest time in my otherwise placid calendar.. That’s the time you'll find me running around for choir practice, drama rehearsals, carol singing and yeah shopping for Christmas presents . ( I must let on that the last point is something that makes me deliriously happy ) . So I decided to post this bit as an ode to the season to be jolly !

Now, I have had the fortune of travelling across India , thanks to my dad’s travelling itch , So I have been in the North, in the West and in the South of India and got an opportunity to experience Christmas in all these regions. I spend my childhood in Ludhiana, Punjab and attended a Christian school, so I experienced the Christmas treatment in school . We used to have this Christmas party every year around the 22nd or 23rd where you could wear anything you wanted to school. And it was on that day, ordinary school girls with pig tails would transform into eye-catching beauties sporting the latest fashion. Such transformation is only possible at that magical age called adolescence. The school choir would belt out timeless Christmas carols and there would be a whole lot of interesting stuff on the agenda. But the thing most looked forward to, was the gift exchanging ceremony called the 'Shelly Party'. Now no one really knows how it got that name. All we knew was it was called 'Shelly Party' and no one really had the time nor the inclination to dig into the details. My wildest guess is that maybe someone called Shelly started the whole thing, or it was a corruption of the term 'sharing party' but then, who really cared ! To elaborate further, Shelly Party was a gift exchanging ceremony , wherein a couple of weeks before the Christmas party , chits were drawn with all the class student’s name and each student had to pick a chit and buy a gift for that person within a price range specified of course. I don’t quite remember what gifts I got through the years, but when I was in the 7th grade, my class teacher happened to draw my name and I got a very pretty box full of chocolate bars!

At home, a couple of weeks before Christmas, mom would get into a flurry of activitiy, preparing ‘faral’ ( for those who don’t know Marathi, 'faral' is the term for the goodies prepared at festivals) . So there were doughnuts , chakli , shankarpali , karanji, besan & rava ka ladoo, sev and of course Christmas cake . For a few years she used to make cake at home , but later hired a bakery fella to bake it for her. She would give him the ingredients and he would mix the batter and bake it for her . So you see, she was very futuristic, she used the concept of outsourcing even before it was tried out by IBM ! During that period our eating habits would change drastically, we literally lived on ‘faral’ much to the annoyance of my mother. But you can’t be crabby during Christmas, can you? !

Dad used to work for a Christian hospital, and so we used to have a whole lot of parties for each department in the hospital. And of course there was the late night carol singing for us kids. I loved those times; we used to go carol singing till 1.00 am and come back home unescorted most of the times. And even now when I sing ‘O come all ye faithful’, it brings back those sweet memories, when life was simple and cities safe !

Then there was the Christmas stocking bit ! I still don’t believe how could we fall for that Santa Claus act . For me Santa Claus was very real. . And our parents played royally on our staunch belief and left written notes advising how we should behave during the year. I remember a time when I was probably in my 2nd grade, my dad actually made a call to Santa ( beat that !) and told him that I had been a good girl that year and wanted a doll for Christmas. Gawd ! dumb or innocent !

When I was in my 8th grade , my folks moved to a small town in Maharashtra, and my school there was not a christian school, so celebrating Christmas at school was pretty much out of the question. But, since my father worked for a mission hospital, Christmas was a huge affair on the campus. There would be these games and sports conducted for the kids, and I remember me winning at musical chairs and lemon and spoon ! Heh heh .. I still blush at the thought of me running with a spoon and lemon in my mouth .. but those were innocent times . An of course there was the Nativity Play in Sunday school . And all of us girls either wanted to be Mary or an Angel. Of course , till date I never got to be Mary and I got to play the angel only twice in my life. It was either the shepherd or the support role for me ! Heh heh and once when I was a tiny little kid , I even got to play the sheep ! Match that !

By the time we moved down south , I was in junior college already and Christmas after that was never the same , as I always had exams around that time . Right from that time till my post grad , I have always had exams around Christmas time . So Christmas was generally a few hours affair where I attended church, met a couple of friends and went back to my hostel to prepare for the next day’s exam . I remember , when I was in my 3rd semester of BBA a friend from church came all the way to my hostel ( and she lived pretty far ) to deliver a dabba of steaming biryani ! It was one of the sweetest gestures I have come across.

And that’s what I believe , Christmas is all about . A time to love and share !

Merry Christmas People !




(c) copyright 2007 Neha Shinde

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Of Conferences and Coffee

“It’s so boring ! When will he stop? “I whispered to Parag as I wrapped my duppata closer to myself and shivered , “ And why do they have to keep the AC so low ? Are they trying to recreate Antarctica? “

“No, silly it’s a new experiment they are trying at mass freezing ! They freeze us and then use our DNA to replicate us and use us as soldiers in the Cambodian civil war “whispered back Parag, doodling with his pen as always.

For those of you who are still trying to figure out the background in spite of the title and the thread of conversations, Parag is my colleague and we were unfortunately caught in the middle of a highly boring software testing conference paper presentation where the speaker unfortunately thought he was Kem Carner’s sibling.

With Presales as a job profile, the onus of making our company presence felt at various testing conferences falls on me. And with Parag as the branding manager, he is also unhappily roped in building the brand image externally and it is our respective jobs that brought us to this place where, in between interesting industry and testing insights we have pseudo Kem Carner’s spout testing fundas in Siberian climate.

Conferences provide an excellent respite to our normal desk jobs and are generally filled with interesting things like freebies and non interesting things like mediocre versions of James Bach and Kem Craner. But all these are only secondary to the main attraction yeah you guessed it ...The Food ... It’s an excellent way of trying out various cuisines at different places without loosening you purse strings. Of course, you need to be the 'unabashed about free grub' type to enjoy the experience. So you can go back and make a note that while the Leela Palace serves excellent Malabar fish curry, its Italian side is relatively weak and the veg stuff at Le Meridian is pretty decent. Small nuances, which help you, know what to order where, especially if the obligation of footing the bill falls upon you.

But while the food is great distraction, there is nothing like a steaming hot cup of coffee after a chilling section (I say chilling primarily in the milieu perspective, of course there have been some very excellent sessions that give you intellectual goose bumps). The knowledge of the fact that there is coffee or tea out beyond the confines of the Antarctic zone , especially when the agenda in your hand says coffee break in bold as the next item , is highly distracting and has the effect of making you squirming in your seat wishing the speaker were less garrulous .

That’s the precise reason, I end my presentations if they happen to be scheduled before a coffee break with “I know that the only T on your mind does not stand for Testing but is something with milk and sugar it, so ladies and gentlemen, I herby end my presentation. Thank You and enjoy you break.”

Makes sense..Right ?!

Copyright (c) 2007 Neha Shinde